And You Never Sent Me Letters
by Aubrinaa
Summary: After Edward leaves in New Moon, Bella goes through something similar to a drug abuser's withdrawal. Filled with confusion, self pity, and angst, she writes to Edward, but decides not send the letters. T for language. Please read and review!
1. First

**These are letters written to Edward from Bella after he leaves in New Moon. Review it and tell me what you think! I sort of got the idea from Megggggggggg's story "The Letters Never Sent". Go read it, it's awesome.**

**I got the title of this from "Last Straw" by Jack's Mannequin, one of my favorite songs ever. Fitting, too, seeing as Steph Meyer loves JM as well.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned it.**

Dear Edward,

It's been four months, I think. I think. Charlie, he got me books last week. Self-help books, _ha. _They're the kinda things Renee would use, not really me so much. But I think I'm losing my mind anyway, so I opened one up. 'Step one to lifting moods- Write letters to whomever you're unhappy with, but don't send them'.

As if I even knew where you were. I wish I did. I wish I could send this to you. You should know, you should hear what's happened. I think you took some of me with you, or something. You took my CD, and you took my picture, but maybe you took something else. I'm just not the same, I think.

That was uncalled for, by the way. It's been four months, I think, and I still haven't forgotten you. I try my hardest not think of you, but I cannot forget. I won't, and not being able to look at your face, it hurts. I don't think it will be better. Because sometimes, I start to think of you as a dream, but no one else will forget either. They'll never mention you by name, though, because it might "set me off".

Maybe it would, though. They're right. Maybe a clean break was a good option.

Charlie wants to send me to Florida now. But I can't, because what if you need to find me somehow? You won't know where I am. You might need to, I don't know, convince yourself that I wasn't a dream either.

That's dumb. That's so dumb, I know. You _know_ what happened wasn't a dream, because you've been living for over a hundred years. What happened wasn't special, but I've only lived for eighteen, and to me, it was special. It was special, okay? It was special to me.

I'm sorry I wrote this. I never wanted to that pathetic girl that cries over her boyfriend. I'm sorry I wrote this. I will never send this. You won't have to read this ever.

You don't love me. Atleast, not anymore. I'm sorry.

Bella


	2. Second

**...Wow. Thanks for that fantastic feedback. It was unexpected, but very much appreciated :)**

**Yes, this pretty much is going to be just letters, not really a story. More are coming. Expect about six? At least. Maybe more, but don't quote me on that. **

**Anyways, thanks, and keep it up! It makes me feel so good hearing from people who have read what I've written!**

Dear Edward,

It's me, again. I didn't think I would write again. But I think you should know that I'm not the same. Charlie said so. I never go out, all I do is mope. But I didn't do that before you, either.

'Before you'. That's how I tell time now, I guess. Before you, during you, and now, after you. I like during you the best.

You're my best friend. No, don't tell Alice I said that. My best male friend. Or atleast my closest.

No, no, that's not right. You _were_. This is _after_ you.

It's hard not think of you. Everything reminds me of you. I know you wanted me to forget you. That was the idea when you left without a trace, I think. And it's hard. Life without you is hard.

Do you remember how I would tell you that you were amazing and that you weren't a monster? 'Yeah, but I killed people,' you said, and I told you, 'Only the bad ones'. I loved you. I loved you with all my fucking heart, and you left! You couldn't love me anymore!

I don't curse. You know that. I'm not angry at you, Edward, love. I'm not angry. I don't even think I'm sad. I'm devoid of all real feelings. I'm not angry at you, love.

In my head, I differentiate between you and Angela and Jess by my human friends and then just the Cullens. When I thought about my 'human' friends, I laughed, because I only have human friends now. I laughed in the middle of Calculus. I think there's something not right with me.

I don't know if I can call them friends anymore, though. Not like Alice... oh, Alice. You took her away, too. I miss her. But it doesn't hurt to think of her.

Will you come back? You don't have to do anything, or be with me or anything like that. Just come back, tell me the truth, that you hate me. Because I think… I think somewhere in me, I'm not sure. I told you I wasn't myself. Not all of me accepted that you hate me. You don't want me, that's fine, I can live with that. I can't guarantee to you about the quality of that life, but I promise I can get on with it.

I'm sorry. I won't bother you with this. You shouldn't have to think of me and my wants while you're gone. That's not right. Goodbye, I love– well, you don't need to hear that either.

Bella


	3. Third

Dear Edward,

I heard your voice. I got your message. You are right. I did promise you that I would keep myself safe. I made a promise to you, and I will keep it. I owe it to you, after one of the happiest summers a person could have.

It was those guys, do you remember? No, it might not have been them. I can't remember. But they reminded me of you, that night, after you saved me, do you remember? My body just went to them, I think. I wasn't my fault, love. I wanted to ask them if they remembered you, that's all. I just wanted to remember and pretend that you'd come racing down the street in your silver, shiny Volvo.

Your voice… oh, I'm crazy. I'm so crazy. I hear voices. Isn't that the mark of insanity? Please come back. Please tell me to be safe again.

I'm sorry, again. I'm sorry I inconvenienced you. I feel bad, mostly for that last week.

I feel other things too, I think. I feel stupid, self-pitying, pathetic…

I'm sorry. I'm used to being able to tell you anything. Old habits and all that. I'm sorry.

Bella


	4. Fourth

**Thanks for all the reviews! I'm thrilled people actually like what I write. I know this one is short, sorry about that. **

**There are going to be more than six letters, I'm pretty sure. Actually, I think I know how many I'm going to have, but I won't say because I don't want to have to stick to it, lol. You'll know when it's the end, trust me. **

Dear Edward,

I'm sorry, love. I know I'm putting myself in danger. I can't… stop. Your voice is intoxicating. When I hear it, all I want is more. Please, love, please forgive me. I'm breaking your promise, but your voice in my head is the only thing I have left of you.

Why do you care if I live or die? See, this is why you should come back. Only for five minutes, love, that's all I need. You don't need to stay, or anything. I promise I won't take more than five minutes, I swear it. Just… tell me why.

No, you don't have to. You owe me nothing. I'm sorry. You've given me enough.

I think I know why, anyway. I have my theories, of course. Remember my theories? You begged me to hear them. _Ha_.

You're not the bad guy. How could you be? You saved my life numerous times. That's the superhero, Edward. How could you be a bad guy, you, so selfless, so caring, so compassionate?

God, I'm pathetic. I'm pathetic, aren't I? I'm the pathetic ex-girlfriend. I'm sorry. But nobody will read these. So I guess I'm okay, right? Nobody will know that I'm _that_ girl.

Mike still tries to ask me out. Even though I'm "lifeless", as Charlie says. He says he wants to cheer me up, so will I let him buy me a dinner after work, or something? _Ha_. Some people just can't take a hint. Isn't that funny?

No, I don't think it is either.

This is the last letter. I swear. I lo–I miss you.

Bella


	5. Fifth

Dear Edward,

Quick question– did you take the meadow with you, too? I couldn't find it.

I know what you're going to say–don't go looking for it. I only want to show Jake. Did I tell you about Jake? He's my friend. You met him before, but I don't think you liked him very much.

We don't talk about you. Have I mentioned that no one says your name? Jake included. He's a good guy, I think. Why didn't you like him?

Oh yeah. Because he liked me. I guess that doesn't matter anymore, huh? Maybe you guys would be best friends now.

No, no, maybe not. I don't know for sure, but I think Jake doesn't like you. He never said so, but I just think he has something against you.

Life without you is hard, but with Jacob, it's getting easier. Maybe not easier, but more bearable. I know you don't care, love, I know, and I'm sorry. I won't send this though, don't worry. It's just nice to get some words out.

If I ever saw you again, I don't think I would say this to you. If I ever saw you again, well, I won't think about that. It kinda hurts, when I think about that kind of stuff. Why doesn't it hurt when I write these letters?

Anyway, I just wanted to know if you took that open meadow with you. I know that's kind of impossible, but by now, I believe that you can do pretty much anything.

Bella


	6. Sixth

**Author's Note: It seems like I haven't really gotten many reviews lately.. C'mon guys. I really like to hear from you. It makes writing feel worth it.**

**And who saw Twilight? I saw it at midnight. Me + hormonal teenage girls + midnight = UNPLEASANT. I become dreadful and sarcastic and I actually threatened to cut off someone's side bangs. Anyways, did you like it? I don't mean to give anything away, but I LOVED IT. Robert Pattinson… I can't believe there are people who didn't want him to play the part… I've loved him since Harry Potter and I've seen, like, everything's he's been in and he's a great actor. But in Twilight… he couldn't have been more perfect, in my opinion.**

Dear Edward,

Oh, love. I'm sorry I'm writing you again. I finally went on that date with Mike. No, not really, but he must have thought it was or something. But I took Jake, too. More people were supposed to come… well, it's a long story.

Jake... he won't take my phone calls. Oh, love. I think… I think I'm falling into it again. Without Jake… I'm losing myself. I'm losing myself again and I _need_ you. Physically. Please… I know you don't want me, but I need you, I ache. I can't take it anymore. Everything Jake has done, has fixed… It means nothing now. He's withdrawn, and so have I.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That's pathetic. So pathetic… Forgive me. Disregard me. I'm being selfish. You don't want me. I have to respect your wishes.

Are you good? I hope you're good. You deserve to be good. Are you with Tanya? That's where I've imagined you, by the way. In Denali, with your friends up there.

Maybe, in one hundred years, when you come back, you'll see that nothing has changed. Maybe in one hundred years, when you're two centuries old and I'm long dead, you'll think that at what the two of us had with a smile. I hope that's true. I want you to think of us with happiness, I think.

I wish you well, wherever you are.

Bella


	7. Seventh

Dear Edward,

Just thought I'd let you know – you're still my last thought. Back in the forest, you know, when you tried to give me directions so I would get away from Laurent and the wolves, all I could think of was you.

Thank for you saving me again. You didn't have to do that. But you know that I do love hearing your voice, no matter the occasion.

And your name, when I hear it aloud, it rips open fresh my wound. After all this time, I guess I'm still not over you. Oh Edward, why did you leave? I need to know the real answer. Because, the truth is, you hurt me. You broke me. I know, for real now, that I'll likely never be the same without you. Not now, at least, not without Jake holding me somewhat together. It's hard, Edward. I have no idea how you do it.

Yes, I do. It was different for the two of us, it had to be. Because if you felt the way I did, then you would have to come back. Please, I'll do what you want. You don't wanna change me? I don't care. Just… you have to fix me. Please, somehow, fix me, so the emptiness can be filled. I can't keep cringing every time I hear the word Edward or Cullen because I swear to you, on my last dying breath, it physically hurts me.

We were never the traditional couple. We never really were… well, normal. There's something not quite right, Edward. I know that nothing good could come out of you leaving.

You know what? I'm wrong. Yes, that's probably it. I'm just some silly girl who fell too hard. Because if you felt almost anything close to how I feel, you wouldn't have left, simple as that. You couldn't have. So, I'm sorry. Truly sorry.

There letters, I suppose, are getting out of hand. I'm so sorry.

Bella


	8. Eighth

**AN: This is my favorite one!**

Dear Edward,

This will be the last letter. And I know what you'd be doing if you were here– you'd be rolling your eyes at me, because I already said that before. But you're not here. And I need to stop imagining what would happen if you were.

I just need to get over it in general, I think. It's been six months and I know it. I am more stable now, and I'm sure of it. Jake helped me plug up the hole. I can get over it. It will never be as if you'd never existed, but maybe, once in a while, for a moment, I can pretend like you didn't. Maybe other people will actually begin to think like I've forgotten you.

Maybe there will come a day where I can hear your voice and be reminded of the joy and happiness you've brought, and not of your parting words. Maybe one day, the hole you left can be sealed back up all the way with Jacob's healing. Maybe one day, that double-sided knife that twists up my gut with be nonexistent.

Honestly, I think you would like that. I think you want me to be happy, I really do. You wouldn't object to me being happy with Jacob.

But I can't move on if I keep writing to you like this. I'm finally, _finally_ starting to let you off my mind, and I think it's healthy for me.

One thing I'm totally sure of, though, is that I'll never forget you. You've changed me, as much as a person can be changed, and I'm unable to forget that.

But I am moving on, Edward. I don't know how long it'll take, but until then, I think I'll be okay. I think, with the help of Jake. He promised to be there for my always, and he's kept his promise.

I'm not bitter, lo– Edward. How can I be? You taught me how to love freely and purely. I can't feel any bitterness towards you.

So, this is goodbye, I think. Truly a farewell, unlike a hasty farewell that we shared in the woods. I think we both deserve better than that.

Bella


	9. Ending

**Okay, so I really do have an excuse as to why the ending is being posted 37 years later. Honestly, I write everything down first on paper, any paper, including scraps lying around. But I'm also a disorganized mess, and I actually misplaced the ending... In fact, I only found the second out of three pages that the ending is written on. So, I tried to fill in the holes, but I closed this chapter of Twilight letters in my mind so I found it increasingly difficult. Therefore, the ending is a lot shorter then I'd initially intended. But at least I ended it. **

** Here you go. I'm really sorry. Hope it's not a complete disappointment. **

Edward's catlike eyes, which were already adjusted to any darkness there could be, scanned Bella's room as she peacefully snored beside him on the bed. It looked as if nothing had changed. He paced for a moment around the room, studying everything, committing everything to memory so that he would never, in another hundred years, forget it.

As he walked, he realized he felt a slight pull towards her desk. Quietly, he pulled the drawer out slowly. There were scattered pens and pencils, a notebook, some colored pencils, and a scarf, but the thing that caught his attention was a stack of yellow loose leaf paper, folded together. Swiftly he unfolded the paper and scanned the letters written in haste and angst.

It took every ounce of willpower to not jump out of her window. Infact, he had the letters in one hand and the other on the sill. But then, she rolled over – she rolled over on her side and muttered his name. She uttered his name and the same feeling that went through him the first time he heard it went through him again. Then a string of words followed.

"Dont go, don't go, don't go," she moaned through the wall of her hair. "Don't leave me." She curled up in her blanket securely. It was hard to understand what came next, but Edward could hear it. Of course Edward could heart it. "Edward, please stay, I love you."

And he found he couldn't leave the sleeping angel beside him. Gently, he lied next to her and listened to her heart pump blood, calming her down when her sleep talking got too loud. He wouldn't leave again, he decided. With all the loathing he felt for himself, he slowly stroked her arm. He left a destructive wake behind him in his path wherever he went. He had taken a beautiful creature – with capability to love, and given her a reason for misery.

And whenever she whimpered, he calmed her by whispering to her in soothing tones. "Sh, love, I'm here, I'll never leave you again. I love you, Bella, sh, I'm right here..."

Thios lasted all morning, until the sleeping angel woke up. And that was the last time Edward willingly thought of the letters – he shoved them out of his head, refusing to feel the angst again, however deserving he felt it was.


End file.
